Thursday, July 16, 2009

Diary Entry 3......Testimony

So ..I hope I don't become known as the custom boutique designer who is out of her mind...but I feel the need to keep an outward diary of this process. Because I am at a breaking point. I can no longer go on living like this....years and years of self torture. My dd has been away for 2 weeks and that is when I get a true reading on my state of mind. Geez this is like GingerLouise Clothing meets the dark side of the moon. You know the designer I mean...she makes those pretty clothes but then every once in a while there are these crazy posts on her blog.

Well my life has become so small I barely left the house during the last 2 weeks,I should have had my whole line completed but I just sat and sat and obsessed and obsessed some more. And looked at other peoples work and thought how good there things were and how bad mine were. Even though I know this isn't true, I have been in business for a very long time and have had these thoughts for the same amount of time.
And my shortcomings, the things I am so aware of now, the things that stop me from becoming the person I want to be, these horrible jealousys and fears. Jealousy mainly, its so bad right now living like this I don't care if the whole world knows. I don't want this anymore. Its taken over my life whether its about my dd and her world or my business. I want God to take it from me and heal me and bring light to where there is so much darkness. I cannot take feeling this bad anymore. Please God, help me.

I also want to be clear that this is something I can't control--i know it sounds petty with all the problems people face in this life and it is--

4 comments:

Bella Valentina Photography said...

As an artist, I COMPLETELY understand self doubt! As a mother and consumer, I think your clothes are INCREDIBLY beautiful! I hope you find some peace soon!

C said...

For what it's worth, as a paying customer, I think you have absolutely hands down, the most beautiful clothing on etsy. If I could afford to outfit my daughter from head to toe in your clothing, I would do it in a heartbeat. I hope you feel better soon, though. I've been feeling trapped in my house with work (I work 40 hrs from home) and the heat we've been having here(Bay Area, California), too, so I can definitely sympathize :D

The Premium Blend said...

You, my freind, are admired from afar by more people than you know. TRUST me. I respect and look up to your talent, customer service and business ethics. I think we all have been in the "dark" more than once in our lifetime. And we'll be there again. I know first hand the power of God to help pull you out of that mud pit. Just keep talking to Him, asking Him over and over. I will too :) And the work of prayer will show mighty in your life, He promises!
Deep strength,
Laura

Debbie said...

And I thought I was the only one who did this. I totally understand what you go through as I do the exact same thing. I think your designs are an inspiration and incredible.